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growwild


Guest
any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.13hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Any of ya got any good jokes, nothing out of order though, but if ye have pm them tae moi, its hard tae offend me..
----------------------------------

Got the missus a new bag and belt for valentines day

Thats the hoover sorted!

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Edited 1 times. Last edit at 22.31hrs Thu 15 Feb 07 by growwild.
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.24hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Heres a few old ones but still good (ALL CLEAN!!)

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

***************************************************************

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

***************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

***************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

***************************************************************************
***
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight."

***********************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***************************************************************************
***
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."

***************************************************************************
***
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

***************************************************************************
***
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

***************************************************************************
**
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************
**
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

***************************************************************************
***
While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.29hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Some more - again clean:

The following are actual answers given on the Family Fortunes Quiz show:

"We asked 100 people to name..." Contestant's Response<
A famous "Arthur" - Shakespeare
A body part beginning with the letter N - Knee
Something a girl should know about a man before she marries him - His name
Something people have more than two of on their bodies - Arms
Something people take from hotel rooms as a souvenir - Lamps
Something you shouldn't try even once - Sex on a train
Something associated with The X-Files (15 seconds of silence, then...) -Television
Something associated with pigs - The police
A famous robber - Cops
Something you stroke - A match
A way of toasting someone - Over a fire (Scored 12 points!)
Something a dentist says - "Just a small prick."
Something people open, besides a door - Bowels
Something people take to the beach - Turkey
The first thing you buy in the supermarket - Turkey
A food often stuffed - Turkey
Something associated with "The 3 Bears" - Red Riding Hood (Guessed twice!)
A dangerous race - The Arabs
A reason for standing up quickly - You have to go to church
Something made of wool - Sheep
A vocalist known by one name - Michael Jackson
A game played in the dark - Charades
A noise your partner might make in the dark - Fart
A place where you wouldn't expect to meet a nun - Brothel
Something you can put hot tea into - Kettle
Something that comes in sevens - Fingers
Something you like that is bad for you - Sex
Something your car has two of - Wheels
Something associated with the sea - Coffin (contestant heard the letter "C")
Something you keep in a garden shed - Gardener
Something you do once a week - Make love
A game you can play in the bath - Scuba diving
A non-living object that has feet - Plant
A game that uses a black ball - Hockey - Darts
A weapon in the board game Cluedo - The dice
Something you do in a lift - Wee
grinning smileygrinning smileygrinning smileygrinning smileygrinning smiley
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.37hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Also growwild if your bored mate there are podcasts from the extreme channel you can download to your PC and watch or to an iPod and then watch.
www.extreme.com
BUT some have harsh language so please only bother to download if you aren't offended.
Apart from that there are all sorts of skate, bmx, boarding, mtb, surf, moto, etc articles and info on there.
growwild


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.38hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Class!
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.40hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Why we split up - a blokes perspective

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.45hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
And of course a couple of videos on u-Tube. These are good, someone had a lot of time on their hands:
Blair and Bush Duet 1

Blair and Bush Duet 2
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.47hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Reputedly true statements in court...


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 23.16hrs on Thu 15 Feb 07
Mattun


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 10.56hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
I got my Wife a 100W makeup lamp.

You should have seen her face light up.

growwild


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 12.37hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
Subject: SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GLASGOW REGION

Name............................................

Nickname.......................................

Gangname.....................................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at £3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more
previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name...........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate
at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman.. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HIGHLANDS REGION

Name...................................

Glen.....................................

Clan .................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000
acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring .




BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 13.19hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The
toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired
at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the
Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws
open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains
that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting
the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager
decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the
factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 13.20hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
Does anyone have NTL as their ISP at all? If so they may be able to relate to this letter of complaint:

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?  I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled b*ll*ck jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.

And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of  those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of b*****ds you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts.

May you rot in Hell,


growwild


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 14.06hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm just so in love with my twenty-five-year-old wife."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You can't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me ... at lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives me a warm bath, and cuddles up with me all night."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "Oh, I think I see - I bet you just found out she's with you for your money?"
"No," the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, "I forgot where I live."


BigRed


Guest
Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 14.08hrs on Fri 16 Feb 07
HA HA HA!!! Quality grinning smiley
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