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Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 00.11hrs on Sat 26 May 07
Once three scientists Scottish, Japanese, and American were discussing their nation's scientific capability, and the wonderful Scottish fella says, "In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones on him, and today u know he's an olympic gold medalist!" so the japnese laughs and says, "This is our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artifical ones on him, and today u know, he's karate champion!" so the American laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know......he's the 'The President of America!"



Oh whit a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Jist as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous win'
The neeps 'n' tatties 'n' mushy peas
Stert workin' like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sauncie face
Will hae ye blawin' a' ower the place
Nae maiter whit the hell ye dae
A'bodys gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum ticht tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shify yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it disnae reek
But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almichty it fairly reeks
Hope a huvnae shit ma breeks
Tae the bog a better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no ma worry
A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
A'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wis him! A shout wi' accusin glower
Alas too late, he's jist keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome ony mair
Where e'er ye be let yer wind gang free
Sounds like jist the job fur me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o' wan wee farty


Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 20.31hrs on Sun 27 May 07
Two Cannibals are chowing down on a troop of Clowns, One says to the other
" Does this taste Funny to you?"

Two grannies in a chip shop. A flasher walks had a stroke and the other couldnt reach


Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 23.48hrs on Mon 28 May 07
Heard on James Whale tonight:

The SNP asked Glasgow voters if they are in favour of changing Scotland's currency after independence.

99% of voters said no, they are happy with the giro.

Edited 1 times. Last edit at 23.49hrs Mon 28 May 07 by William.

Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 01.30hrs on Tue 29 May 07
A Wish

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scotman says, "Fill it up with water."




Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and entered the confessional.

"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!"

Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!"

When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?"

"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the priest. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence confessin' your sins!"


Scots vs. English

In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day.

Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen".

With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned.

An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman".

With this the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned.

An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman".

Down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned.

An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman".

By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill.

He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BASTARDS."



Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 13.26hrs on Sun 3 Jun 07
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 22.29hrs on Tue 5 Jun 07
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
Nice bike, the cop said, did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little boy said, he sure did!

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you? Yes, He sure did, said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.


Re: any jokes?
Date Posted: 19.36hrs on Wed 13 Jun 07
man is pulled over for speeding.

Police: Did you know you where 5mph over the limit?
Driver: Yes, sorry, but I'm late for work.
P: And what work would that be?
D: I'm an arsehole stretcher!
P (now interested!): An arsehole stretcher! What's that and how d'you do it?
D: Well, start of with a small bit of moisturiser, get a few fingers in there and pull it about. Keep going, eventually you can get a crowbar in there with some vas until the arsehole is 6 feet!
P: Then what do you do?
D: Give it a speed camera and put it on the side of the road.

Edited 1 times. Last edit at 20.03hrs Wed 13 Jun 07 by William.
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